Sunday, June 29, 2008

A six-course death row meal



For someone whose worst brush with the law involved carrying an open container of Molson Ice on the rough streets of Avalon, New Jersey, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what my last meal would be in the unlikely event that I were sentenced to death. My biggest question: are there parameters for this? I'm going on the assumption that there's not some sort of list from which I must choose. Given that it's my final dinner, shouldn't I be able to get, well,
whatever the hell I want? So here goes:

1. Every single g.d. thing on my list of What My Diet Would Consist of If Nutrition Were Not an Issue.

2. An entire Thanksgiving dinner. None of those good-for-you vegetables, though. Just give me the turkey, the stuffing, the cranberry sauce (both the jellied and the chunky-style), the mashed potatoes and the gravy. Oh, yes, the gravy. (Did I happen to mention gravy?) And pie, too.

3. A half-dozen biscuits from Popeye's. Screw that: make it a dozen.

4. The omakase from Nobu. Heavy on the toro, please.

5. Chicken tikka masala with rice and naan.

6. A black-and-white milkshake.

OK, now I don't know whether to feel hungry or hurl.



Sunday, June 22, 2008

Movie lines frequently repeated in my house



1. "The Donger need food."
Sixteen Candles. Uttered whenever the wife is hungry.

2. "
You know, for kids."The Hudsucker Proxy. Usually said apropos of nothing.

3. "One day a real rain is gonna come and wash all the scum off the streets."
Taxi Driver. Always said while walking to the subway when it's pouring. (OK, so technically it's repeated outside my house. Lighten up, man.)

4. "Feed me, Seymour!"
Little Shop of Horrors. Said when the cat is agitating for his twice-daily administration of canned food.

5. "I hate sports."
Ghost World. Delivered with a shrug, à la Steve Buscemi.

6. "What has it got in its pocketses?"
Lord of the Rings. See also: "Hobbitses is tricksy."

7. "Oh, Mylanta!"The Ringer


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My guilty pleasures



1.
Nanny 911 and Supernanny. Honestly, I don't seek this stuff out. But if I'm flipping channels and see some kid having a conniption, I can't help myself: I have to find out what the nanny's gonna do. Also, it makes me feel superior, knowing I would never be such a crappy parent. Uh-huh.





2.
ABBA. "Can you hear the drums, Fernando?" Gives me goosebumps every time.




3. Cheez Wiz. Mmmm... salty orange goo. The thought of it on a Philly steak makes my mouth water.







4. LOLcats.
I'm on ur Internets laffing at ur kittenz.








5. Any TV documentary about conjoined twins and/or the morbidly obese.


6. The movie
Clifford. Martin Short plays the 10-year-old nephew of Charles Grodin. They even manage to make him look tiny. This, my friends, is comedy gold.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Advice I have taken, for better or worse


1. Don't wear athletic shoes unless you're at the gym.
This has helped me not look like a tourist in my own city.

2. The better the college you went to, the less makeup you wear. OK, this isn't actual advice, but it made me give up mascara for years in the hopes someone would think I went to Barnard.

3. Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean you have to act on it. Generally, if you give it a little time, you'll find out something disgusting about the person and you'll feel you've dodged a bullet. (Of course, as I have been happily married since before the turn of the century this advice is no longer relevant to me.)

4. If someone at work bugs you, walk by his desk, make cobra fangs out of your fingers and hiss. This works best if you only imagine doing it.

5. Stop smacking your lips when you eat. I had no idea I even did this. But I'm glad I don't do it anymore.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Dreams from my husband


Normally, other people's dreams bore the crap outta me. My husband, however, has mastered the art of summing up his dreams in one sentence, and I find them enormously entertaining. Some of my favorites:

1. "I dreamed I was trying to play a didgeridoo."

2. "I dreamed Steve told me Brad was going to quit." *

3. "I dreamed a female hairdresser was going to give me a makeover."

4. "I dreamed I had something stuck in my teeth."

* Not their real names.

OK, I know I've opened a can o' worms by even mentioning dreams. If you feel compelled to describe your own nocturnal imaginings, for the love of God: keep it short.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Random things I like




1. Kids who look like rodents







2. The smell of fabric softener emanating from laundry rooms





3.
The Wisconsin state quarter





4. The word (but not the taste of) "beets"


5. Drinking beer near a body of water