Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Age-inappropriate things I have done

1. Read Helter Skelter at age 7.
I remember my older cousin looking at me with her mouth open when I described the Tate-LaBianca murders. Some people are so sensitive. (Full disclosure: I actually only read the 40-page photo section in the middle. That was, however, enough to get the gist.)

2. Listened to Allan Sherman in second grade. Really, what kind of 8-year-old cracks up over lines like, "My Zelda, she took the money and ran with the tailor?" (Besides my pal Alaster and me, that is.)

3. Stayed in B&Bs in my twenties.
By doing so I brought the average age of guests down to 60.

4. Read the Twilight books at 40. Young adult novels are great. You don't need to look up any of the words.

5. Watched CBS Sunday Morning at my (ahem) current age. This is truly an excellent news magazine, with compelling stories each week about art, trends and interesting people. But seeing as Van Morrison is among the youngest musicians they've profiled, I don't think I'm in the target demographic. Plus, all the commercials are for things like Metamucil.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Movies everyone liked except me

The Hours. Sweet Jesus, did I hate this movie. Its title is appropriate, as it went on and on and on... I love Meryl Streep as much as (actually, more than) anyone, but I wanted to punch her in the face when she was flitting around worrying about the flowers for her stupid party. Oscar nomination, Schmoscar nomination: I'm sorry I ever saw this film.

2. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Sure, Matthew Broderick is charming, but otherwise it's a mess. That scene where Cameron freaks out in the pool is downright creepy. So is Mia Sara (whatever happened to her, anyway?).

3. Gladiator. I've posted about this before: slept through it 'cause I was so bored.

4. Knocked Up. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Judd Apatow has been going steadily downhill since the brilliant Freaks & Geeks. Apparently Seth Rogen and his stoner friends are supposed to be entertaining, but c'mon, jokes about giving your friends pink eye by farting on their pillows? Really? Maybe I'm just getting old.

5. American Pie. This one annoys me. So many people whose opinions I respect told me I would like it. "It's not like Porky's," they assured me. "The women in it are empowered." That's open to debate, but the fact remains: it was crude and did not amuse me. Plus, I don't want to see that beady-eyed Seann William Scott in anything again ever.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Movies I only pretend to have seen

1. Jaws. Oh, sure, I talk a big game, chuckling when someone says, "Smile, you son of a bitch!" and nodding knowingly over references to "You're gonna need a bigger boat." I've even sung the theme song on the beach and in swimming pools on numerous occasions. But I've never actually watched the film. Does it count if I feel like I have?

2. Citizen Kane. I can tell you this: Rosebud is a sled. I also know that Endora from Bewitched is in it. And I will say with authority that it's one of the finest pictures ever made. Seen it, though? Nope. Not the whole thing, anyway.

Dirty Dancing. Gosh, wasn't it great when Patrick Swayze said, "No one puts Baby in a corner?" Or so I've heard.

4. Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I'm pretty sure I once asked someone, "Remember that scene in Close Encounters where Richard Dreyfuss builds a mini-Devil's Tower out of mashed potatoes?" Which is really bogus of me because again: never seen it.

5. Dr. Strangelove. Peter Sellers gives one his finest performances in this black-comedy masterpiece. (Like I would know.)

6. Dog Day Afternoon. Another one I've somehow missed. I like chanting, "Attica! Attica!", though.