Saturday, August 22, 2009

Nicknames I have bestowed on unwitting recipients

Full disclosure: some of these names might have been thought up by my friends and/or Mr. SZ. But since I can't remember the exact provenance, I'm taking all the credit. So there.

1. Mr. Grease. Sobriquet given to my drivers ed teacher due to the astonishing amount of product he used on his hair.

2. Flock of Seagulls Dude. This was a kid in the aforementioned drivers ed class who had an alarmingly blond, feathered 'do. By the looks of him he was probably more into Dokken than the "I Ran" gang. No matter.

3. Colin Farrell Lite. A former boss. Why? Because he looked sorta like Colin Farrell. Duh.

4. Bitchcuit (pronounced bitch-kit). Mr. SZ and I gave this name to one of our neighbors, the owner of a very nice dog named Biscuit. This lady lived next door to us for two years and never said so much as hello. As soon as we moved to a different apartment, however, she started being really friendly. Too late: she's Bitchcuit for life.

5. Farm. This one is slightly regrettable, as it was applied to a girl at camp who wore her hair in cornrows. But they really did make her head look like a farm.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Things I don't like in clothing

I've recently dropped a few pounds (yay, me!), which has had the interesting side effect of forcing me to buy new clothes. Let me tell you, people: there's some scary stuff in stores today. Here are the things that bug me most.

1. Gold buttons.
These are tacky on anything, but especially on pants. On jackets they make the wearer look like Michael Jackson (may he rest in peace).

2. Big buttons. When I rule the world, no button will be larger than three-quarters of an inch in diameter. Those two-inchers they use to be "decorative"? Don't get me started.

3. Logos.
Ralph Lauren is the worst about this. That little polo player is offensive enough, but I really hate how he puts those RL crests on everything from T-shirts to nightgowns. Get over yourself, Ralphie. If your name was still Lifshitz you'd be singin' a different tune.

4. Pants with no pockets.
I know it's been said before, but they'd never leave these off men's trousers.

5. Fake pockets. Why bother?

6. Waists that go above the navel.
Mom Jeans make me cringe most of all.

7. Anything with ruffles.