Sunday, February 13, 2011

10 reasons why I don't totally suck

Most days I'm what Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Tony Kushner calls "happyish." On occasion, however, I fall into what likable motivational speaker Stuart Smalley calls a "shame spiral," leading me to believe I am what acerbic former MSNBC host Keith Olbermann calls "the WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD." This happens after I've wasted an hour screwing around on Facebook or watching crap like Half-Ton Teen. At times like these I have to tell myself, "Honey, you've got nothing on genocidal dictator Adolf Hitler." This makes me feel somewhat better. Anyway today, being a wintry Sunday, is one of those days. So I'm making a list of reasons why I'm fit to be part of the human race.

1. I never give waiters a hard time. I'm a good tipper, too.

2. I write a blog that amuses me and possibly others. Perhaps you've heard of it.

3. I'm kind to animals.

4. After decades of utter slugdom, I became a runner. Now that I've finished five races of 5K or more, I think it's OK to say that. I'm not fast, but I finish.

5. I can spell.

6. My sense of humor is, um, quirky. For example, I think this cartoon is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. You do, too? Let's be friends.

7. I'm not normal. Unlike 80 percent of American women my age, I don't have a kid. Unlike 95 percent of U.S. households, mine doesn't own a car. To quote bowtied funnyman Pee-wee Herman, "What's the significance? I DON'T KNOW!" But it seems sort of cool. 

8. I've knitted garments that people can wear without being the object of ridicule.

9. I've been happily married for nearly 15 years. To the same person, even. In some circles this counts as a major accomplishment.

10. I vote. Almost always for the good guys.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Parts of the week (in rank order)

While most of my lists are in no particular order
really, what would be the point of ranking words or phrases I would (or do) feel stupid saying? this one is. So pay attention, OK? It matters.

1. All day Friday. Oh, the promise this day holds: 48 full hours of doing whatever I damn well please. I particularly enjoy my Friday morning ritual of disabling the alarm clock, which culminates in a joyful flipping of the bird. (I really do this. Every Friday.) Some will argue Saturday is the better day since most of us don't have to work. They're wrong. The workplace on Friday is generally a nice place to be because everyone is thinking about those 48 full hours to do whatever they damn well please.

2. Saturday morning. I especially love getting up before 8 am and feeling like I have all the time in the world. Sometimes pancakes are involved and that's a very good thing indeed.

3. Thursday night. Friday (see No. 1 above) is so close you can taste it. (Mmmmm... Friday.) Also, the excellent television situation comedy 30 Rock is on.

4. Midday Wednesday. I'm fairly neutral on Wednesdays, but lunchtime is cool because the Taim falafel truck usually parks outside my office.

5. Monday morning. No explanation necessary.

6. Sunday night. To quote the legendary band Gum, "Sundays are the lamest days." And once the sun goes down the dread really kicks in. There's a reason the phrase "beating the Sunday blues" gets 80 kabillion results in a Google search. (Don't test this. I totally made it up.)

7. All day Tuesday. Tuesdays suck. Perhaps it's because the reality of the work week has sunk in, or because the weekend seems so far away. Whatever: annoying things always seem to happen on Tuesdays.