Monday, May 30, 2011

Movie titles that give it all away

1. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. Seriously, don't tell her, because then we can have HILARIOUS AND AMAZING ADVENTURES with no grown-ups around to spoil the fun!


2. Snakes on a Plane. Without having seen this film, I'm gonna guess it's about a millionaire newspaper tycoon and his sled.


3. Bad Santa. That Santa? Really, really bad. (See also: Bad Teacher.)

4. Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. OK, this doesn't tell the WHOLE story — for example, how exactly did that gal get so tall? — but you get the gist.

5. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Yep, that about sums it up. Side note: if you haven't already seen this film, don't. It haunts me years later, and not in a good way.


6. Zack and Miri Make a Porno. What more does one need to know?


7. Revenge of the Nerds. It might not be apparent from the title (or the poster), but the dorks prevail.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Free crap I got after a charity run

It's hard to say what's best about charity 5K runs: the exercise, the supporting of a worthy cause, or the swag you get at the after party. Below, some highlights (and lowlights) of a recent haul.

1. A tote bag. The way they give out totes these days, they're practically as big an environmental menace as the plastic they were meant to replace. This came in handy on race day when I needed something to carry all my free crap. In the future, however, I am unlikely to run around town sporting a bag that says "Sensible Portions" on it. 

2. A Womentum T-shirt. Let's be honest: Womentum is not a great slogan. How do you even pronounce it? Whoa-mentum? Wimmin-tum? Whatever. The shirt is ill-fitting and destined for Goodwill.

3. A medal. Unless you have some sort of display case for your, um, medals, I can see no earthly use for this. That said: I did wear it home on the subway because really, how often does one get to wear a medal? 

4. A mini box of granola. Score! Any breakfast food with dark chocolate in it is OK by me.

5. Minute Rice. OK, this was cool: the rice booth had a wheel you could spin to win fabulous prizes, including magnets, measuring cups and, of course, rice. I hit the big time, people. Also part of this package: a Quick & Easy Minute Rice cookbook, featuring such family favorites as Cheesy Tuna Dinner and Porcupine Meatballs (with real porcupine! OK, I made that part up). 

6. A change purse. This is actually fairly useful as it can hold a credit card, keys, etc. and clip on to your shorts when you run. It came with a free one-week pass to Lucille Roberts, that gym that only allows ladies.

7. A nail buffer. And not just any nail buffer: this one promises "400% shinier nails in just 10 seconds." Jeez, how shiny would they be if you buffed for 20 seconds? (That involves math so I'll leave it to you to figure out.)

8. Lipstick. The shade: Wink for Pink. It seems to be the exact color Barbie wears. This will sit unused in my makeup basket for about two years until I remember that you're supposed to chuck your cosmetics after six months or you'll get leprosy.