Sunday, September 25, 2011

Things I don't like about rock shows

1. People who talk through the entire concert. Seriously? And you paid $45 for this why?

2. When people cheer after the bandleader says, "This next song is from our upcoming album." Bullshit. No one likes when they play the new stuff.

3. Not being able to see the stage. I'm 5'3" so this happens, oh, pretty much all the time. When I open my venue there will be a corral up front for the short folks.

4. Ticketmaster "convenience" fees. 

5. When the headliner doesn't go on until 11 pm. OK, I admit it: I'm old. But really, it's hard to rock when you're thinking about bed. (Pretend I didn't just use "rock" as a verb.)

6. Drunk guys. Who always seem to be standing near me. Acting drunk.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Status updates about my cats

Mr. T (left) and Sally Timms
There are two kinds of people in the world: cat people, and people who find cat people infinitely annoying. As a reformed dog person, I can see both sides. Therefore, I have restrained myself from making all my Facebook status updates about my new kittens, Mr. T and Sally Timms, who just happen to the BEST AND CUTEST THINGS EVER. (Really. Look at them!) Here, to get it out of my system, are some things I resisted posting on Facebook.

1. Can't get off the couch. Got 2.5 lbs of kitten on my lap.

2. For some reason I occasionally pronounce Mr. T as "Mistah T." Friends of a certain age might remember Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter. I sound like him.

3. I allow Mr. T to sit on my head. There's gotta be something bad about this.

4. I have been about 75% happier since we got the cats. 

5. In the past week I have found myself Googling "cat butt smells" and "kitten stool soft." (Don't worry, everything's fine. It does, however, make Item No. 3 all the more alarming.)

6. Cats who desperately want to get into the fridge or dishwasher should be careful what they wish for.

7. I know you think your cat is cute, too. That's great.

8. What cat toys do you recommend?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Awful Astoria real estate photos

As anyone who has even briefly watched HGTV knows, proper staging is crucial to getting top dollar for your home. You're supposed to hide your personal effects, make sure everything is spotless, and generally give the appearance that no one lives in the place. Well, evidently many realtors in my neighborhood of Astoria, Queens, don't have cable. Here, some of the least appealing photos I've encountered on local real estate web sites. All are posted for your viewing pleasure with no permission whatsoever. (To freak out the non-New Yorkers: the properties below are two-family houses selling for just shy of $700,000. Please don't tell me what I could buy in your town for that kind of money. It would cause me to go into a corner, hug myself and rock.)

1. The bad bathroom. Nothing says home like an ill-fitting toilet lid cover, a full wastebasket and some stranger's toiletries all over the sink.

2. The bad bathroom, part deux. Because really, what's more attractive than leaving the seat up?

3. The bad bedroom. This house is cool because it comes with a dead body covered by a green sheet.

4. The other bad bedroom. Perfect for the homeowner who doesn't think closets need doors. 

5. The bad stairs. To quote the late great Joey Ramone, "Hey, daddy-o, I don't wanna go down to the basement." Because I'd probably break my neck on the way.

6. The bad workshop. Free with home purchase: a big pile of crap. Oh, and a hammer.