Thursday, August 16, 2012

Movie trailers I have recently seen

Movie trailers never suck. Even if the film itself is destined to be terrible, the trailer shows only the funniest and/or most exciting parts of it, making for a highly entertaining two-and-a-half minute experience. Here's a recap of the trailers screened at my most recent trip to the movies. Never mind what picture I saw. (OK, it was Hope Springs. Yes, I am in fact a 68-year-old retiree. IF YOU MUST KNOW.)

1. Alex Cross

What's this? Tyler Perry, the Madea dude, wearing men's clothing and playing a detective? I am intrigued. But now there's a crazy guy! Who is crazy about torturing people! And seems to be preparing to extract some lady's teeth! Uh, I'd rather see Patch Adams, the perennial loser of a game Mr. SZ and I like to play called "What Would You Less Rather See, Patch Adams or (Insert Name of Bad Movie Here)?"

Trailer rating: A
Odds that I will see the movie: 15 to 1

2. Playing for Keeps

300 star Gerard Butler appears to keep his shirt on in this one, in which he plays a washed-up former soccer player in the midst of a divorce from Jessica Biel. Don't worry, they'll get back together (despite the best efforts of that tart Catherine Zeta-Jones). Also, he drives a convertible.

Trailer rating: A
Odds that I will see the movie: 5 to 1

3. Trouble with the Curve 

In a shocking development, Clint Eastwood plays a cranky old man. In another shocking development, Amy Adams says the word "farted." Added bonus: Justin Timberlake! And that American Idol song they used to introduce the 2012 U.S. women's Olympic gymnastics team the one I refuse to admit gives me chills.

Trailer rating: A
Odds that I will see the movie: 5 to 2

4. Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away

I can't fairly evaluate this one because it was in 3D and I didn't have 3D glasses. I will, however, say it made me carsick.

Trailer rating: N/A
Odds that I will see the movie: 15 to 1

5. Skyfall

No. No more James Bond. Quantum of Solace (what does that even mean?) bored me to tears. I'm done with 007 and his stupid car chases and explosions. But wait he's dead? This could get interesting. And whoa, there's Javier Bardem! Hola, friendo.

Trailer rating: A+
Odds that I will see the movie: 7 to 2

6. This is 40

Oh, Judd Apatow: you will never again achieve the brilliance of Freaks and Geeks. Certainly not with a "sort-of" sequel to Knocked Up, a movie I did not care for. But dammit, I am a sucker for that dreamy Paul Rudd.

Trailer rating: A-
Odds that I will see the movie: 3 to1

7. Zero Dark Thirty

I'm pretty sure this is about the hunt for Osama bin Laden, mainly because some male voice yells, "When was the last time you saw bin Laden?" not once, but twice. It is by the director of The Hurt Locker, a film that made me rethink my knee-jerk dislike for war movies.

Trailer rating: B (docked one letter grade for inscrutability)
Odds that I will see the movie: 2 to 1

8. Won't Back Down

Oh, great, another movie about everyday heroes who save underachieving schools. But hey, this one stars Academy Award ® nominee Maggie Gyllenhaal and Academy Award ® nominee Viola Davis and Academy Award ® winner Holly Hunter. Plus, it features Kelly Clarkson's rousing Nietzsche-inspired anthem "What Doesn't Kill You." And it's set in Pittsburgh! (I like Pittsburgh.)

Trailer rating: B
Odds that I will see the movie: 7 to 1 (if it's on TV on a Saturday morning)