Monday, May 6, 2013

Things strangers have yelled at me in the street

Getting old sucks, but it's not entirely without benefits. For one thing, I get fewer unsolicited comments from random people on the street. (Perhaps society is just more polite to middle-aged ladies.) Here, some of the most memorable things strangers have hollered at me.

1. "Let. Your. Hair. GROW." Yelled by a dude in a car in Binghamton in the 1980s, when I had what I thought was a cool new-wave 'do.

2. "Are you a lesbian?" Shouted from a second-story window in Astoria by a boy of about 10. I should have rocked his world by saying yes.

3. "Go back to Long Island, bitch." This, after I wouldn't stop to give some Binghamton guy a light for his cigarette. My first response: "I am not from Long Island."

4. "You're ugly, you little faggot." One of the neighborhood mean girls yelled this at me while I was delivering newspapers in 7th grade. I wasn't a particularly unattractive kid, and it's not clear why exactly having a paper route made me a faggot. I was, however, short, so she was right on that count.

5. "We're safe we're in a Subaru!" Classic pickup line shouted by a car full of guys as my college friends and I walked down the street in (you guessed it) Binghamton.

6. "Nice house, you poor people!" Shouted by one of the dudes in the Subaru as we entered my friend's crappy off-campus apartment building. It was a bit of class warfare that still makes me laugh more than two decades later.

7. "Hey, baby, hot diggity dog!" My busty teenage cousin was the actual target of this comment, but I was there. I was 7 at the time, and hadn't heard anyone who was not on television use the expression "hot diggity dog." Come to think of it, I haven't heard anyone say it since.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Stuff my cats have wrecked

Of all the benefits of owning cats — the entertainment, the companionship, the warming of laps the greatest may be this: they make us less materialistic. How? By wrecking our stuff. It's hard to get too attached to possessions when the beasts can ruin them at any moment. Here, a photo essay on items Mr. T and Sally Timms have either damaged or destroyed. 

1. The couch. The most expensive casualty of our cat ownership. The culprit (pictured at right) was shredding it up royal before we put that very effective and attractive double-sided tape on the arms.

2. The phone. Here's what happens when a paw introduces an Android to a ceramic tile floor. OK, maybe I shouldn't have have left the phone on the kitchen counter. But maybe the cat shouldn't have been on the counter, either. Whatever. It still works.

3. The bathrobe. Mr. T is what is known in clinical terms as a wool sucker. This robe was actually cotton, not wool, but he liked to chew on it anyway while sitting on my lap when I was wearing it. If you think you're grossed out by this, you should have seen Mr. SZ. We're still married but things were shaky for a while.

4. Many cardboard boxes. Every Amazon delivery is a cause for cat celebration. Note the tiny teeth marks; eventually this box will turn into confetti-like scraps strewn all over the living room floor. It is quite festive indeed.

5. The lampshade. This got torn during a heated battle between the cats not long after they joined our household. No great loss, considering we bought the lamp for $30 from a mean Australian lady who was moving out of our building. Of course, we planned to replace it right away. 18 months later...


6. The toilet paper. Sure, it was hilarious to watch them unravel roll after roll, but it made our purchase of environmentally friendly TP a bit pointless. The fun stopped when Mr. SZ went all MacGyver on them with this elaborate protection device (patent pending).


7. The purple cardigan. This one isn't totally the cats' fault; moths ate a hole in it first. Since Mr. T the Wool Sucker is obsessed with sweaters I made this one the sacrificial lamb. He drags it around the apartment, which is really cute. No, seriously. I keep trying to catch it on video so I can put it on YouTube and make him the next Maru.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Words that make me laugh

1. Booze. (See also: boozy.)

2. Measly. See example below (skip to :16 if you're impatient). 

Why is this amusing? It could be the long "e" sound, which makes people smile by default. But let's not overthink things.

3. Hobo.

4. Mini (used as a prefix). Mini bagels, minigolf: it's all funny. Also, I might be the only person in America who still finds this hilarious:

5. Junior (used as a suffix). A friend recently told me that her children's theater company will put on a production of Shrek Jr. I have been laughing about this at random intervals ever since.

6. B.O. Do two initials count as a word? For our purposes, yes.

7. Schmuck.